I wish I knew how to quit you....

You would not believe the shit that comes up in a google image search with the search term medicated cookie.

First of all you get a whole bunch of natural and marijuana stuff.

You also get a lot of lip balms.

Then eventually you get vaginal and psoriasis creams.

The images then go into a series of several types of toiletries, a wounded duck, a random picture of Bill Nighy, an anti-semetic cookie (gross), and various shots of assorted dumbasses, 2 spider pictures which I'm really  not happy about, and pictures of children with or without cookies.

Why am I writing this?

Well, as I mentioned in the mini blurb about myself, I have mental health issues.  Yep, I'm gonna all out and say it.  I'm apparently Bipolar II with mild Borderline Personality Disorder.

And guess what?  We're  re-organizing my meds again.

I thought it would be funny to get a cookie picture of some sort of silly medicated crazy cookie.

The best I could do was this...

Not only does it tickle me but we're going to attempt to taper me off of a  med that I've been on for 12 years and the withdrawals are a bitch.

I ain't gonna lie.  I'm nervous.  I've tried to come off it before and failed.

I have a much better team on my side this time.

So this is my note to myself to read when I get the panic attacks and other lovely withdrawal symptoms.

EVERYTHING IS FINE. 
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG.
BREATHE.
THIS IS TEMPORARY.

Are we ready for a rollercoaster ride folks?

I'm sitting in the first seat and ready to go.

"I want love to walk right up and bite me, grab a hold of me and fight me..."

I freaking love this song.

This is the grossest baking picture I've ever taken...

I know it looks bad but I was soaking raisins in a mixture of white rum and water to plump them up.

I picked up a trick of the good 'ole internet somewhere awhile ago.  Put the desired amount of raisins in a microwave safe bowl.  Just cover with water (or water and alcohol of your choice) and zap 'em for about 4 minutes.  Let them stand covered for at least 5 minutes after that then drain and use.

My raisins, unfortunately are old and cheap and did not plump up spectacularly well.  They went from dry and woozled to wet and gross looking.

They did, however taste better in the oatmeal raisin cookies I made tonight with the magic cookie dough that people have a hard time replicating.

So here it is...my oatmeal raisin cookie recipe that is based on a really old Chipits chocolate chip recipe.

OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIES

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Plump up between a cup and a cup and a half of raisins.

In a smallish mixing bowl combine:
1 3/4 cups all purpose flour
2 cups oats
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 level teaspoon of baking soda  (actually I'm so paranoid about  baking soda flavour that I barely make it a full level teaspoon)
3-4 tablespoons of cinnamon powder (honestly, I don't measure, I just dump a whole bunch in until it changes the colour of the dry ingredient mixture)

In a medium to large mixing bowl:
1 cup butter or margarine
1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/2 cup boiling water
1-2 tablespoons of vanilla extract (use less if you've got the good stuff or more if you've got the cheap stuff)

-cream the softened butter and sugar with electric beaters
-add boiling water and mix
-add vanilla and mix
 -Mix the dry ingredients into the wet
-drain the liquid from your plumped raisins and add raisins mixing thoroughly with a spoon.

-Your cookie mix will be a bit too liquidy so let it rest and firm up a bit
-firm dough looks like this:

-with firm dough you should be able to almost  "cut it" with your spoon
-Once it stiffens up a bit drop teaspoonfulls of the cookie dough onto greased/sprayed cookie sheets

See my dough dollops?  Aren't they nice?

FYI, these are a bit too close together and will spread out and stick together but tonight I didn't seem to care so much.

Here's the firsr pan spreading out and baking away :-)

-bake for about 15 minutes.
-I still recommend baking only one pan at a time for consistent results.

You know what I forgot to take a picture of?

THE FINISHED COOKIES.

Imagine them all golden brown and yummy....and in a ziploc on my counter....

It was one of those days where I just had to bake.

So I did.

Why am I cursed with fat feet and no money?

When there are shoes like this out there....

Black polka dot pin-up girl pumps with RED FREAKIN' BOWS

I really dig that retro pin-up girl thing.

*wistful sigh*

Can I possibly be this cool?

I have an issue.

It's getting warm.  In fact tomorrow it's supposed to be 25 degrees celsius.

Now normally I don't stray from wearing black shirts every day.  Seriously, every day.  I don't feel comfortable in anything else.

But in summer....well I ease up a bit.  For some reason, I have several summer shirts that are purple.

So where's the issue you may wonder?

Well, since January I've got bright scarlet red hair.

Can someone with scarlet hair wear purple?

Then I saw this...

Is it possible?

Could I pull it off?

Could I really be that cool?

You be the judge.

Dang.  That's one way to stand out in a crowd.

By God, they're ROUND!!!

I completed a whole bunch of chores today and I still had leftover cookie dough and time to kill so what did I do?

BUTTER COOKIE DOUGH EXPERIMENT # 2

Do you remember that scene in Star Trek II:  The Wrath of Kahn when Kahn is saying, "HE TASKS ME....HE TASKS ME AND I SHALL HAVE HIM!!!"

Yeah, it's like that.

I was going to do swirl cookies and they were going to be round, GADSDAMMIT! (galactica reference)

I got out my leftover butter dough, manhandled it a bit and rolled it out until it felt right.  Instead of cinnamon swirls, this time I opted for tart yet sweet raspberry jam.

I rolled that sucker up tight and a whole bunch of jam squooshed out the end...oops.

Then I sliced them and they squished.  THEY DIDN'T STAY ROUND.  But oh no, this time I wasn't going to be defeated.  I took each cookie slice and shaped it until it was round!  More effort but they looked a whole lot purdier doncha think?

Unfortunately even with a nonstick pan sprayed with Pam, the jam decided to meld with the pan.  They sure looked purdy but they were effing impossible to get off the pan.

Got most of them though....

So after all that work how did they taste?

Dave T said they tasted like a PopTart.

This is where I slammed my head on a desk and pulled my hair out...but I did it all inside my mind.

All that work and I made freakin' poptarts.

Coulda been worse.

Oh and as an aside, the coyotes were really loud tonight as I was doing the dishes.  I wonder if they like poptarts too.

Them Cookies is UGLY!

Oh I had so many plans for today. 

My kitchen is a disaster and in need of cleaning.  My apartment is in serious need of vaccuuming.  I've got some sewing I want to do...

The list goes on...

Unfortunately yesterday I had somewhat cavalier attitude towards dairy products and being lactose intolerant...well...today I paid for my insolence.

So instead, once I could leave the vicinity of the bathroom with confidence, I took Sam for a nice walk.

He's been whiny and spring feverish lately.  He's also behaving a little out of character in not wanting to really play fetch in the backyard.  He LIVES for fetch.  Walking is only a means to get to someplace to play fetch and he tends to get frustrated when that doesn't happen.

Usually I run his fuzzy legs off in the backyard until he's too tired to move but I think he's a little bored with the routine so I thought I'd stretch his legs and change the scenery a little. 

He still ended up carrying a stick for half the walk hoping to stop and play fetch but when he got tired enough he just dropped it and plodded on. 

It was good for both of us.

I also had some leftover butter cookie dough in the fridge that I have to use up and I had a vision.

What I pictured was something like this...

(image from firstlookthencook.com)

What I got was this....

Ok, so I didn't actually look at a recipe.  I figured how hard could it be?  

Them's ugly cookies.

They did taste pretty good though.

Here's a tip for all you experimental bakers out there.  You can minimize the ugliness of your cookies if you arrange them into a pleasing pattern on your serving plate.

Sorta like this...

Ok, ok...so it doesn't look ALL THAT MUCH BETTER.

I tried.

I've still got more dough left to use...what should tomorrow's experiment be???

turkeys iz dangerous

Don't ask me why but I grow positively giddy at the sight of wild turkeys.

I find them hilarious. 

Maybe it's the "gobble gobble".

Maybe it's how insanely serious turkey hunters are with their head to toe camo outfits and accessories. Yeah I know wild turkeys have extremely good hearing and sight and are actually quite hard to hunt.  BUT DAMMIT, IT'S A FRIKKEN TURKEY!!!

Mabye it's because I once saw a show where a man of questionable intelligence went turkey poaching and threw a turkey in his trunk along with his UN-safetied rifle.  The turkey wasn't dead, flapped around, and ended up shooting the guy.  On the show the guy adamantly declared that, "TURKEYS IZ DANGEROUS!"

Whatever the reason, wild turkeys fill me with glee.

And so today when we were out and about visiting Lakefield, imagine my excitement when Sheila spotted a veritable horde of wild turkeys!

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE THEM!!!!!!!!

We also stopped to take pictures of a lake covered in mist.  It was beautiful in a melancholy sort of way.

Here's Dave T taking a picture of the misty lake.

Here's Dave T taking a picture of Sheila at the misty lake.

Here's Dave T taking a picture of me while I take a picture of him...at the misty lake.

I would just like to point out for the record that Dave T does, in fact, have feet.    I know it looks like he doesn't but they are there...trust me.

Anyhow, Lakefield was pretty and I got a free Guinness cupcake because of St.Patty's Day.  I really should have taken a picture of it but I was hungry and it was gone in about 30 seconds.

It was a quiet St.Patty's Day but I really enjoyed it.

cookies for a sad day in our house

It was a sad day around these parts.  My housemates who are my best friends decided it was time to let their little Jack Russell pass on.

His name was Finnegan but we all affectionately called him Mr.Figs.

Privately I  must admit I called him Sweetums.  

He was almost 17 and in rough shape but he was so well taken care of that he had such a good life.  For a little dog he had a stubborn streak a mile wide and it certainly made itself known in the last months of his life.  That little dog hung on while his body and mind gave out on him.  But as usually happens with our animals, they give us some sort of sign when it's their time.

It was his time and he went peacefully instead of having to suffer.

They did right by him.

So I helped in any way I could and then I baked because it makes me feel better.

I turned this...

Into these....

 

They're butter cookies sandwhiched with hazelnut spread and dipped in chocolate.  For an experiment they turned out fairly ok.  I've really got to make an effort to make the butter cookies thinner though if I'm going to make sandwhich cookies.

Cookies don't make it all better or fill the hole of  the passing of a beloved pet....

I'm not quite sure why they're my answer to everything.

But they enjoyed them and I guess that's what I'm aiming for.

You will be missed Mr.Figs.  If there is a heaven go find my husband and Doonie and keep them company. 

What dessert to pack for the apocalypse?

Do you have a sweet tooth and a possible apocalypse or natural disaster in your future? 

While storing away provisions for the zombie horde or other such nuisances do you find yourself full of angst about which desserts will pack well?

I have just the thing for you.

Exhibit A

This may look like an ordinary styrofoam take-away container but examine closely if you will the state of it's well-being.  This container has been crushed.  A backseat with lumber on it was applied to cause this container's state of disrepair.

You may think that whatever is inside would be lost forever.  You might even feel a momentary pang of loss.

BUT WAIT!

I give you...

Exhibit B

 

Fear not!  The scrumptious sticky sweet baklava has made it through it's ordeal unscathed!!!!

I would not have believed it had I not seen it with my own eyes.

So I can only conclude that in a post-apocalyptic world, baklava will endure.

If one sugar fiend can be help by this message then my work is done.

SQUEEEEEE!

Stale Forgotten Cookies

I've got nuthin'...

I do, however, have stale forgotten cookies in my fridge.

How sad is that?

In a weird sort of way it kind of sums up how I feel right now.

After a lifetime of low blood pressure I now have high blood pressure and I gained another 1/2 pound.

And therapy was confusing.  But good.  Maybe.  I think.

BAKING IS SO MUCH SIMPLER!!!!

And to top it off I've got 2 effing cystic pimples on the side of my face.  They freakin' hurt and I really didn't need any more reasons to feel self conscious.  THANK YOU UNIVERSE.  I thought I was done with these goddamn bumps of despair but I get them whenever my hormones go out of whack.    Fuckers.

That's right.  You heard me.

FYI, the butter cookie recipe I posted is good but after a week they're dry and less than appetizing.

Meh.

taxidermied squirrels playing cards

Busy day tomorrow.  I'm not really looking forward to it.

I've got my monthly weigh in at the Metabolic clinic to see if I've lost any weight.  I've been steadily losing a tiny bit each month except for the last weigh in where I gained 0.3lbs.  I don't think I did so well this month either. 

Sigh.

Sometimes there are just too many cookies, yanno?

Got some therapy tomorrow too.  It seemed like a good idea at the time to schedule it but now...I dunno.

But hey I get to show off my screamin' red hair.  I re-dyed it today to combat fading and root growth.  I think it turned out even brighter red this time than the last time.  It goes from screamin' red and darkens the further down it goes.  Kinda neat.

Meh.  I'm kinda boring tonight, I know.

I feel weird.

I AM weird.

Did you know if you do a google image search for weird the very first image is taxidermied squirrels playing cards??  I shit you not. 

Here it is:

Could have been worse....

Game of Thrones, Bunny Suits, and Cookies

Do you like Game of Thrones?  I do.  So my friends and I decided to head into the big city to the TIFF Bell Lightbox venue to see the Game of Thrones exhibit. 

The exhibit was smaller than I thought and I'm telling you...the women on that show really neat to eat a sandwich.  The women's costumes were alarmingly small.  I have to admit though, they were beautiful.

And then we waited in line for about 1/2 an hour for a chance to get our pictures taken as we sat on the mighty throne.  IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT!!!

I had all these serious looking sultry faces planned when it was my turn.  I was going to toss my fiery locks and stare that camera down.

Yeah.
Not so much.

Here's my serious face.

And here's me walking away while everyone shouted, "WAIT!!!!!!!!  THERE'S ONE PICTURE LEFT!!!!"

Hahahaaa!
I'm grabbing my ass and looking strange.
Perfect.

You should have seen everyone's panicked expressions and outstretched arms telling me to stay put.  It was hilarious, surprising, and embarrassing at the same time.  I actually had a physical reaction to it and went completely weak for a second.  I thought I was going to fall down.  

It was awesome.

One of the guys doing the pictures said it was his favourite picture of the day.  Hahaha.

There was another free exhibit at TIFF about Canadian costumes in movies which was really interesting to see.

Dave T even got a picture of me standing in front of the bunny costumes for the movie Hank & Mike before security told us photos weren't allowed.  Seriously...I love the movie Hank & Mike.  It's hilarious.

STEAK AND FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Watch the movie and you'll understand.

And because no day is complete without some sort of cookie, I give you the Elephant's Ear cookie which I did not actually buy but which I took a picture of because I love cookies and I love elephants.  That seemed like a good enough reason to me.

Really fun day.

Crispy Almond Thins

I found this recipe on Baking Bites and totally want to try it.  To be extra sinful I picture them drizzled very lightly with a butterscotch icing.  It's a neat take on biscotti.  I totally want to try it!!!

Crispy Almond Thins
2 1/4 cups all purpose flour
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup butter, room temperature
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 large eggs
1/4 tsp almond extract
1 1/2 cups sliced almonds

In a medium bowl, whisk together flour and salt.
In a large bowl, cream together butter and sugars until light. Beat in eggs, one at a time, followed by almond extract. Stir in flour mixture, mixing until the dough almost comes together, then add in sliced almonds and mix until dough comes together and no streaks of dry ingredients remain.
Turn dough out onto a large sheet of wax paper and shape into a rectangle about 3-inches wide by 1-inch high (dough can be divided into two smaller logs, if desired). Wrap well with wax paper and chill for 2 hours.
Dough can be frozen for a couple of weeks, but defrost in the refrigerator before slicing.
Preheat oven to 350F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
Unwrap dough and place it on a cutting board. Using a sharp knife, cut dough into slices 1/8 to 1/4 inch thick (thinner is better) and place on baking sheet.
Bake for 10-12 minutes, until cookies are light golden brown.
Cool completely on a wire rack. Store in an airtight container
Makes about 5 dozen cookies.

source:  Crispy Almond Thins from Baking Bites.com

Today's Adventure and Fortune Cookies

+

 

=

In other words, we went to a Chinese/Italian restaurant called Hanson's   in the middle of nowhere tonight after going to see the Princess Margaret Lottery house.  

It was ok but had a serious case of split personality.  Not only did it serve Chinese and Italian food but half the restaurant was decorated in country florals and the other half was a formal dining space with white table linens and a fireplace.

Bizarre.

Fun night.

Plus who doesn't love fortune cookies?  If you don't find them just a little bit fun you might not have a soul...just sayin'...

Dirty Dawg

So I get home from my therapy group tonight and my dog looks like this...

Now I know when I left, he didn't look like that which leads me to believe he's been playing outside with Dave T while I was out.

The thing is, the other side of his head is fine and there's no mud anywhere else on his body.

This leads me to only one conclusion:

 MY DOG IS A FRIKKEN GENIUS AND HAS LEARNED HOW TO DO A HEADSTAND OUTSIDE IN THE MUD!!!

Only  he's so awesome he did it when no one was watching.

Holy fuck, I wonder if he knows the secret to the caramilk bar?

Just imagine what he could accomplish if he had thumbs...

Yeah.

I just blew your mind.

Basic Butter Cookie Dough

I make this dough a lot.  I mean A LOT.

In fact I made a bunch of it last night and baked it up today for my vocational group.

It's easy and you can add/substitute or change the dough in so many ways to get different flavours but here's the basic recipe.

It's from an old Good Housekeeping magazine.

Basic Butter Cookies

Preheat the oven to 375 F


1/2 cup butter or margarine softened

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1 large egg

1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

2 cups all purpose flour

1 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon of salt

(I also have a little milk or water on hand in case the dough is too dry.)

-In a large bowl beat the butter, sugar, egg, and vanilla on medium speed until light and fluffy.

-In a smaller bowl combine flour, baking powder, and salt.

-Add the flour mixture to the butter mixture a bit at a time with the electric beaters on LOW.  I cannot stress this enough.  If you add it with the mixer/beaters on high you will look like you work in a cocaine den and your bag just blew up.

-If your mixture is too dry to form into a giant dough ball add a splash or two or milk or water (I tend to use milk) until you can.  Be careful and don't overdo adding extra liquid...with patience a little goes a long way.  Just don't burn out your beaters like I almost did today.  If you're mixture turns out more like cake batter, you've added too much...get out a cake pan and call it a day.

-Form it all into a giant dough ball.  I usually slap it around a bit to make sure it's nice and cohesive.  Then wrap tightly in plastic wrap leaving nothing exposed to air.  I usually use 2 pieces of  plastic wrap in a plus sign to make sure I've got it well covered.

-Chill the dough for at least 2 hours.  Usually I make the dough one day and bake the next.

-Work with sections of the dough and rewrap the remainder so it doesn't dry out.  I tend to roll out my dough on wax paper with flour sprinkled to combat stickiness.  Cut into desired shapes and bake on lightly greased pans for 5-8 minutes depending on thickness and size of cookie.

It should look something like this,

 If you want drier, more well done cookies make them thinner and be strict about the amount of baking powder you use.  Thinner cookies will require less baking time.  If you want softer, cakier cookies, make them thicker and make it a heaping teaspoon of baking powder.  Thicker cookies take a bit longer to bake.  Mine tend to bake for 8 minutes.

Either way you want the edges golden brown.

Another tip from me is be patient and only bake one pan at a time.  I know everybody wants to cut corners but I get consistently better results if I don't rush and just bake one pan at a time.

Oh and I think this apron I saw on Failblog would be smashing on me when I bake.

I personally think I'd forgo the pink pouffy thing though.  It's a question of style really.

F U! I am NOT particular!!! And then an old lady grabbed my hair.

So as we know, I can be a little particular.

*shudder*

I hate that word.  Someone broke up with me once and said it was because I was particular.  Now that word carries a sort of revulsion to it.

Usually my inner child immediately retorts "FUCK YOU!  I AM NOT PARTICULAR!!!" inside my head and then I remember things like how I need all my discarded/used cutlery to point in the same direction or I get angsty.

Ok, I AM particular.  And my inner child has a potty mouth.

Where am I going with this?

Well at the last minute today I got invited to tag along to go to the flea market only I hadn't showered yet.

I NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE without showering and doing my makeup.  It's one of my particular-isms.  But today I got a little crazy adventurous and decided to brave the flea market unwashed and unashamed.

I didn't even brush my hair.

Well, if you know my hair at all, you know I can't brush it anyway.  Brushing long thick curlyish hair makes you look like a doofus...trust me.  So instead I brushed my teeth splashed my face, put some make up on and ran my fingers through my hair to get out the knots.

Oh I put clothes on for those of you wondering.  Just thought I'd clear that up.

Anyhow, off to the flea market we went...as we got closer I noticed that we were going to arrive almost at closing time.  Another particular part of me has a hard time coping with things like this.  I was practically rocking in the backseat with anxiety as we got closer.  In my head was a stream of, "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD LET IT CLOSE AT 5, OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!!!!!!!!" mixed in with the song "no more monkeys jumping on the bed".  Hey, even I don't know where that one came from, don't ask...

Luckily the flea market closed later than we thought so we had time to walk around.  I tried a homemade pierogie...it was awesome.  We looked at lots of junk...that in it's own way was also awesome.

But when we got to the second building of the flea market I was walking along and all of the sudden this odd old lady with a leathery face wanders up to me and gasps, "oh your hair is so beautiful I just want to grab it!  The colour is so beautiful!!!"

She wasn't all talk.  She grabbed my hair!  LOL  It was funny though because she sort of realized she'd just grabbed some stranger's hair and let go very quickly but still made pawing sort of motions at my head after.

It's nice to know that even 2 months after dying it, with it unwashed and unbrushed, it still looks ok enough for an odd flea market old lady to grab it.

Although I have to say I was in a store yesterday and the male cashier who seemed to be gay, (not that there's anything wrong with that/Seinfeldism), gave me my receipt and said, "Here you go sweetness, love your hair!!!!".

Ok, so my hair still impresses strange old flea market ladies and young good looking possibly gay guys.

I don't know what to make of this.

Updated:  Upon thinking about it, I would take compliments from a guy I would never have a chance with because I'm the wrong gender over a strange old flea market lady grabbing my hair ANY day of the week.

That is all.

Random photos...old and new

I don't have much to say tonight so instead I'm putting up some random pictures that I like.

Me and my sister Robin at Toronto Zoo

This picture was taken by my late husband Dave.  I have no idea if it's spring or fall.  I really can't remember.  It was within a year of us moving to Whitby.  That was an awesome day at the zoo and a great visit with my sister.

~*~

My late husband Dave and our dog Doonie who died of cancer the year before he did.

This was taken back in our house in Nepean.  What a handsome man he was.  Damn I hung those pictures way too high.    Now that I've got access to all my old pictures again I can't help but feel a little (a lot) sentimental as I look through them.  There's so much I would have done differently if I had known then what I know now.  God I miss him so much.

~*~

New Easter Cookie Cutters!

Check it out!  New easter cookie cutters!!!  Ok, admittedly I'm a little addicted to cookie cutters at the moment but, hey, it's cheaper than crack so don't judge me.  Plus they're purdy colours!

Who wants Easter cookies???

~*~

My Nails!

CHECK IT OUT BITCHEZ!!!!  These are my nails and had to be recorded for posterity.  My nails NEVER look this good.   Hey, ya gotta appreciate the little things in life, yanno?

OMG I just noticed something smudged into a cuticle and I'm too damn lazy to photoshop it out.  

Must.  Not.  Fixate.

Well there ya have it.  These are the photos that were on my mind today.

Memories of my old life

Yay!  I finally got my peripheral drive working again.  Now I have access to all my old pictures and I even found a short video of Dave trying out our new camera waaaay back when.

I must have watched this about 20 times in a row.

It was taken just before we moved to Whitby.

I also found a picture of the garden I made.  When we moved to our first house (across the lawn from the house I grew up in), the yard was nothing but a gigantic overgrown cedar hedge and some sketchy grass.   We took out the hedge, and built the fence together.  Then, over the summer while he was at work, I dug out the patio area, laid 2 types of gravel, built u the garden beds and planted the garden myself.

I had it so good and didn't even realize it.

All I kept thinking of was how the house could be bigger, the yard could be bigger....shit like that.  I really didn't appreciate what I had.  I had the love of my life, a house, a garden I made myself, my sister next door, and lots of wonderful pets.

I feel like we were still kids and had so much growing up to do.  I only wish we could have done it together.

Hindsight is cruel bitch.

I totally need to bake something.

drunk monkeys

Frikken monkey alcoholics, man.

Drunk Monkeys

It ain't right but I laughed.

I admit it.

And then it dawned on me...

...why I had a rough day yesterday.

The day before yesterday I mentioned in passing that technically I'm single.  I HAD  NEVER, EVER SAID THAT BEFORE.

Just over 2 years after his death and I have in some small way begun to accept it.  It was a milestone moment for me that I really did not enjoy.  Instead of seeing it as part of the process of grieving my mind immediately went here...

Ok, all sarcasm aside, admitting that to myself and saying it out loud really did hurt.

He's dead.  He's not coming back.  I am single.

And so I was uber sad and panicky with fits of weeping yesterday.  I hurt from head to toe and had trouble going outside.  But you know what?  I got through it.  I did go out to one of my appointments and I did NOT drug myself up and sleep it off which is what I have done for the past 2 years.

I practised some of the DBT skills ( Dialectical Behaviour Therapy ) I've been learning in therapy over the last several months and I got through it.

I don't have to like it, especially because I still feel married and I do not want anyone else, but I guess I'm going to have to eventually accept that he is really gone.

Yesterday a part of me reached some level of acceptance.

Progress fucking sucks.